I truly was arrogant enough to believe that once I had "jumped the hurdle" of paralyzing self-doubt and crippling creation terror then I would be done, as if it's a one-off thing. Congratulations, you've leveled up and now you're ready for the big time, Raine!
But doubt, like chaos, seems to be the natural state of things. When not guarding against it, the fear creeps (sometimes rushes!) back in.
I spent all of 2015 writing for other people and I'm scared I don't how to write for myself anymore. My defenses are untrained, and it's easier to be afraid than it is to write. I don't know how to stand up to the voices in my head anymore that say:
I recently thought about writing an M/M Regency-Era Romance. This was such a charming idea that it pushed all the storm clouds out of my mind...for 5 whole minutes. Then the voices came back louder than ever.
You aren't good enough to do that, Raine.
I wouldn't say that to my worst enemy, you know? But somehow it seems incredibly simple to say it to myself.
Spend half an hour on Facebook and you will see a dozen people in all stages of their publication journey, from the newest newbie to the most seasoned veteran, battling this same ugly voice.
Creation is scary.
Putting that creation on display for people to judge? Sheer terror.
I held off writing this blog until today because I like to end things positively. Until this morning I could not see where to draw a single ounce of hope from. Then I got my CPAP.
Apparently for the last two years I've been suffering from severe sleep apnea. Severe-severe. Like I stop breathing 47 times AN HOUR. I've been a walking zombie...Obviously. Now I have a machine that will keep me breathing all night long. I might dream! I will definitely have more energy.
Energy to fight the negative voices.
Energy to write.
I'm not under the illusion that I will get better sleep and immediately there will no longer be any fears, doubts, or moments of depression. But I am hopeful because it's a start--a weapon in my fight against this creation terror.