Positivity for Writers #4: I Almost Gave Up... And Why I Didn't!

My last post was in March.

March.

That's insane. That's insane because so much has happened since then!

So why?

Because for the last six months, I've been in the process of giving up. Quitting. Throwing in the towel. Saying F this! You may have wanted this when you were a little girl, but you were young and foolish then...

Writing is hard. Publishing is hard. Interpersonal relationships are hard. It's all hard.

If you've ever put fingers to keyboard, submitted a manuscript, collaborated, or been part of a community you know this particular struggle.

I quietly closed down my Facebook. I put away all my Raine trappings. I decided I would... or wouldn't... or maybe...

And it sucked my friends. It sucked ALL the butts. More than that, it hurt my spirit.

Because a life without writing is a million times harder than the other day-to-day noise... And that's what it is, it's just noise. And doubt.

I wish I could show you clearly how I got from Point A (Let's quit this shizz!) to Point B (OK, I'll just put it away for now) to Point C (You know what? I'm strong enough to handle this.) Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I stumbled like a drunk person along the path. Here are some of the things that I totally donked up before kinda, sorta, getting it right.

• Acknowledge how you feel. I fought against the feeling of discontent without acknowledging it for so long that my psyche eventually went snap, crackle, pop! and I was forced to acknowledge for I felt. Believe me, if you can do it quietly and on your own terms, it's much better.
• Let yourself sit in it. Man, I fought it. Once my psyche broke and I realized how I felt... I was like, "MUST! DO! SOMETHING! ABOUT! THIS!" and that 'something' was to burn my writing house down. It took four incredible friends practically sitting on me to get me to stop flailing and just be.
• Weigh your options. But...but...this is the path I'm on. I have no other options! Not so. Going a different direction can be scary. And it definitely won't be easy. A new writing style? A new name? A new publishing house? Getting an agent? Or maybe becoming an indie publisher? Even stepping away from the publishing game? I didn't like all the options I came up with, but at least I finally realized I have some.
• Ask yourself the hard questions. Is it worth the shitty feelings? You'll probably start with that one. And if you feel half as miserable as I did, you'll say, nope. But you have to ask yourself this question as well: Will I regret quitting? And Can I be happy taking a break instead?
• Listen to the universe. Seriously. Don't ignore the kind words of your readers, your betas, your peers. Don't ignore the quiet opportunities that come your way, or the signs that point you toward your own contentment.
• Cut out the poison. Ohmygawd I have a habit of doing everything wrong when I feel bad! I eat too much, I'm too sedentary, I spend like a millionaire even though I only take home a librarian's salary. I seek affirmation from the wrong people and pack away projects that would make me feel good. So... I consciously stopped. I don't read reviews anymore, I don't read my the Facebook newsfeed. I try to be a good friend to people who are also good friends to me. And I chopped the shizz out of those credit cards. But it took over a year to get here.
• Be creative. Even if you don't feel like you can write, create. Draw, dance, sing, play, garden, sew, design, dream. This is one thing I did right. In the time I was figuring my shit out, I started drawing again. I started customizing dolls. I started doing decoupage. I made my own stamps and played around with calligraphy. I tackled color. Copics, prismas, and new lining techniques. I didn't let that creative energy stop.
• Try again. If you're going to quit forever, surely one more go at the keyboard isn't that much to ask? And if you can't manage that, at least read something you've written. For old time's sake? That way, you can say you gave it your all. 

Writing is challenging. Same with publishing and collaborating and interpersonal relationships. They are all challenges.

If you're feeling overwhelmed by those challenges, give yourself a moment to breathe. Allow yourself to see your options. Change directions if you need to. But don't quit.

I promise you, there's someone--probably many someones--in this great wide world who will be worse off for not having read your words.

But more than that, you will be worse off for not having written them.

With Kindness,

RoRo

I Was So Damn Arrogant, or Writing Terror

I truly was arrogant enough to believe that once I had "jumped the hurdle" of paralyzing self-doubt and crippling creation terror then I would be done, as if it's a one-off thing. Congratulations, you've leveled up and now you're ready for the big time, Raine!

But doubt, like chaos, seems to be the natural state of things. When not guarding against it, the fear creeps (sometimes rushes!) back in.

I spent all of 2015 writing for other people and I'm scared I don't how to write for myself anymore. My defenses are untrained, and it's easier to be afraid than it is to write. I don't know how to stand up to the voices in my head anymore that say:

You can't...
You won't...
You aren't... 

I recently thought about writing an M/M Regency-Era Romance. This was such a charming idea that it pushed all the storm clouds out of my mind...for 5 whole minutes. Then the voices came back louder than ever.

You aren't good enough to do that, Raine.

I wouldn't say that to my worst enemy, you know? But somehow it seems incredibly simple to say it to myself.

Spend half an hour on Facebook and you will see a dozen people in all stages of their publication journey, from the newest newbie to the most seasoned veteran, battling this same ugly voice.

Creation is scary.

Putting that creation on display for people to judge? Sheer terror.

I held off writing this blog until today because I like to end things positively. Until this morning I could not see where to draw a single ounce of hope from. Then I got my CPAP.

Wha--huh?

Apparently for the last two years I've been suffering from severe sleep apnea. Severe-severe. Like I stop breathing 47 times AN HOUR. I've been a walking zombie...Obviously. Now I have a machine that will keep me breathing all night long. I might dream! I will definitely have more energy.

Energy to fight the negative voices.

Energy to write.

I'm not under the illusion that I will get better sleep and immediately there will no longer be any fears, doubts, or moments of depression. But I am hopeful because it's a start--a weapon in my fight against this creation terror.

--Raine O'Tierney

Positivity for Writers #3: Don't Let Others Dictate Your Pace

I can't believe it's already week three of the positivity posts! I hope you've found them helpful. I'd love your feedback. :)

--Raine

With the current culture of ebooks, indie-publishing, and small-press publishers, the pace at which it seems authors want to (or more often, need to) write has really changed. Growing up, I had a favorite Harlequin author, Jessica Steele, and on the very best of years, when her releases fell just right, she put out two books in a calendar year. That was fast. That was insanely fast.

Now, it's almost as if two books a year is standard, if not a little on the slow side. I know authors that release every two months. I know authors that seem to release every month. I know authors who do this *and* have full-time jobs. Is your head spinning yet?

I admit it, I lost myself to the pace for a while. People cheered me on. You can do it! Write more! Write faster! And so I did, and I felt good. Faster, faster, faster... Until my fastest wasn't fast enough. And then I didn't feel good at all.

Between April and December 2014, I will have put out six works. But those works were percolating for YEARS and many were in various stages of drafting and editing before 2014! They just happened to get clumped together and published in a relatively short span of time. So what happens in 2015...?

A very dear friend gave me a piece of advice that I wrote down in journals, on my hand, on scraps of paper, anywhere I might stumble upon it. It's, well, pretty much everywhere. I have to keep it nearby because if I don't, it slips right out of my brain.

Simply put, she said:

Your Creator didn't give you a lifetime's worth of stories, so that you could write them all today.

Write at the pace that works best for you. If a release a month WORKS for you and you are happy--keep doing that! But don't feel like you have to. We want you to take the time you need to craft the story in your heart with love and care. (Except in November: November is NaNoWriMo. Mwahaha!)

Remember: this is not a race, my friends. It's an art. :)

Until next time!
Raine O'Tierney

Positivity for Writers #2 : Just Bloom, Beautiful Flower

Welcome to week 2 of my Positivity for Writers series. My intention with these posts is not to say THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO BE HAPPY! but instead to share some of things that have worked for me. I hope they will speak to you!

--Raine

It's going to happen to you at some point. I don't care if you are the most well-adjusted, self-assured, confident writer on the planet. At some point, hanging out on FB, traversing the internet, attending a con, or, heck, just browsing Amazon.com, the feeling is going to hit you: you're not as good as Mr/s Writer Person X.

Darn Writer Person X with their fancy sales and their fancy fans and their fancy success! And as you try to shield your eyes from the glow of their awesomeness, that feeling of not being good enough is going to get into your bones and you're going to think: what am I even doing? Why am I even trying?

For a while I thought it was just me, being awed by others and then feeling small and insignificant. Then I read a status update from an author I admire (and one who I consider 'big time' within our community) talking about he felt small and insignificant. But really Writer Person X?! You're Writer Person X! How can you feel small, too?

Because he has his own Writer Person X looming over him with their fanciness!

And because ANY time you compare yourself to someone else, especially through the filtered glitz of facebook, you're going to come out feeling less than.

In my lowest moment, when I thought I might just give up, author JC Wallace (who has his own special condo in my heart!) sent me this picture:

(thank you @and_spiritually_speaking!)

The saying struck me in just the right way.

I started taking mindful breaks from the Facebook community. I started putting on blinders (figuratively!) when I was writing. I made a chart of my sales, not to compare to others, but so I could set goals against myself and compete with me.

I get it, I'm small-time right now. One day, I may not be. But there will ALWAYS be someone bigger than me and always someone coming up from behind to take my spot. If I don't want to lose my mind to competition and feelings of worthlessness, there's only one thing I can do: stop looking at the other flowers, and just bloom.

I hope you will too!

Raine

Positivity for Writers #1 : The Year of Writing Dangerously

This is the first in a series of positive thoughts for writers. I think the best thing we can do in this community is build each other up and support one another as creative individuals. These are some of my thoughts, some of the things that have worked for me. I hope they will speak to you as well.

--Raine

Last year, on my birthday, I set off on a journey. I called it The Year of Writing Dangerously and I was guided by one principle: write bravely. No matter what, don't let the fear (or in my case, the obsessive thoughts) rule you.

Be bold, be true, be lionhearted in all your writing endeavors.

Exactly one year later, I released my very first ever published novella.

I'm not saying that setting off on a 365 day journey of brave writing = publication. Besides, publication is not always the end-all goal. But I am saying that writing despite a head full of little demon doubts is the greatest feeling in the world!

I kept a journal of each brave day and it's interesting now to go back and re-read it. The doubts and the successes, the frustrations and the excitement. The day I'd given up hope that Dreamspinner Press would ever want me and the day after when I got to write: I signed the contract.

Writing bravely isn't about not having those fears and self-doubts, but instead, moving through them, for yourself and for your goals.

I proved to myself that I could be brave. Now, I'm trying to decide what my next journey should be. The Year of Writing __ ? I'm excited to see what I can do with another 365 days. What will you do with your year?